Big Feet
by weasleyismyking17
Summary: Hermione overhears some obnoxious girls her true love's greatest assets. Dedicated to stonerlove.


**A/N:** This is dedicateed to **stonerlove **who is freaking amazing and is a master of naughty fics! This one os for her 'cause it's my first naughty-esque fic!

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Big Feet

Hermione had a pillow clutched over her head to block out the sound. She just couldn't stand to hear those words coming from those girls. Lavender and her friends were talking about Hermione's dear friend Ron in a highly inappropriate manner. She couldn't stand it anymore! She ripped open the curtain covering her four-poster bed and rushed out of the room, trying to block out the mocking whispers of the other girls. As she ran to the common room, she reflected back on how the conversation had escalated so high. It had started innocently enough.

"Lavender! How are you and Ron?" Squealed Romilda Vane. Her shrill voice woke Hermione. As Hermione looked at the curtain of her bed, she heard Parvati reply, "Like you need to ask! They're snogging constantly in the common room!"

Hermione rolled over and groaned inward. _Not another one of their late night boy discussions!_

"Come on, you guys!" Ginny's voice piped in. "He's my brother. And besides," she lowered her voice, "Hermione's _right there_!"

_No! Don't bring me into this, Ginny! _She heard Lavender's annoying voice reply, "Oh, Bush-head's asleep- "

"Don't call my friend that!

"Then you can leave," Romilda spoke up.

"Fine!" Hermione heard Ginny rise up from her bed. "I'll just go see if _Harry_ is awake." Since Hermione couldn't see through cloth, she wasn't positive but she was pretty sure Ginny's remark had earned her a glare from Romilda. It was pretty obvious that Romilda had a thing for Harry.

Hermione really wanted to leave with Ginny, but the brand new couple didn't get enough alone time as it was. Plus, Hermione needed sleep for the school day tomorrow, although with all the noise of the giggling and whispers, she probably wouldn't be getting any rest.

"What a little bitch," pouted Romilda.

"Never mind that," snapped Lavender, clearly wanting to continue the conversation about her new relationship.

"Did you know I was Won-won's first kiss?" A resounding "AWWWW!" filled the room.

_Must she steal _everything_ from me?_ Hermione agonized in her head.

"So," came Parvati's voice. "That means Ron is still….'

_No, no, no! Don't say that! Not that word!_

"- a virgin?" Giggles flew everywhere. Hermione buried her face in the pillow. _Why? Why do they have to talk about things like this? It's so… awkward!_

"Yeah," sighed Lavender dreamily. "I've been trying to get him to loosen up a bit, but he's just too polite!" Hermione snorted, but quickly tried to mask it as a snore.

Parvati spoke up. "You mean he's the one saying 'no'? What a weird one." Hermione smiled to herself a bit.

"Well," Lavender continued, "I don't think he'll be able to hold off much longer."

_Dear God! What is wrong with these girls? I wonder how Ron would feel if he knew they had violated him every night._

"Well, you know what I noticed?" Parvati whispered. "Ronald's got _really __BIG __feet!"_ Lavender and Parvati erupted into unbridled laughter. Apparently, letting the others around them sleep was no longer important.

"SO?" Romilda sounded confused. "What's so great about big feet?" She was clearly miffed that she was being left out of the naughty knowledge. Hermione was just as confused as she, though.

"Don't you _know_, Romilda?" Squealed Lavender. There was a silence, in which Hermione supposed Romilda probably shook her head "No." Hermione lifted her head a bit off the pillow to free her other ear to better hear this unfamiliar concept.

"Well," started Parvati, "A guy with big feet supposedly-"

"Has a really-" Lavender cut her off. Parvati retaliated.

"Big!"

_Oh, no! _Hermione thought, suddenly realizing what big feet represented. _They won't really say that!_

"HUGE!"

_Nonononononononono!_

"_PENIS!" _Both girls shouted. Hermione threw her head under the pillow as Romilda gasped.

"Oh!" Romilda sounded awed. "I suppose you're right… Harry has large feet too, doesn't he?" This last remark drove Hermione to such a state of discomfiture she _had_ to leave. _Quickly. _

Once she was free of her immature roommates, Hermione sat in one of the chairs near the fireplace in the common room. She was panting like she had just been attacked by the giant squid. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths, trying to calm down.

_That was so rude! How could they say that about him? About Ron, _my_ Ron! _A smile spread across her face as she thought of him. _I wonder if it's true. I mean, he _does_ have rather large feet…._ Her reverie was cut short by a voice.

"Hermione?"

She jumped about a foot before falling to the floor, flat on her face. Ron rushed over to help her.

_Speak of the bloody devil!_

As they rose, Ron looked at her cautiously. "Are you alright, 'Mione?" He asked softly, holding her up.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she answered, embarrassed. "You just scared me. Why are you up so late?" She looked up at his tall frame.

"Oh, right. That." He snorted. "Ginny decided she'd have a late night visit with Harry." He looked disgusted. "What about you?"

As he spoke, her eyes had slowly wandered down, from his face to his feet.

"Uh, Hermione? Hermione, what's wrong?" He was very worried now. Her head snapped back up.

"Oh… it's nothing. Uh, you just have really big feet." Ron looked at her as if her fall from the chair had caused more damage than he'd thought. Then, Hermione gazed at him with a look of sheer terror, as if Ron himself had transmuted into Voldemort.

"I," she squeaked in very un-Hermione like fashion, "I have to go to the, um…. Bye!" Then she was gone, faster than you could say 'S.P.E.W.'

_What the bloody hell was that?!_ Ron shook his head in disbelief.

;-;-;-;-;-;-;-;-;-;-;-;-;-;

_Many years later…_

_Ron and Hermione's wedding night..._

_;-;-;-;-;-;_

Honeymoon at last! The question that had plagued the Gryffindor girls would soon be answered, and if they had been in that honeymoon suite….

Let's just say they would not have been disappointed.

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**Editor's note:** I'm proud of Frannie for this one, because I've noticed her sentence structure is much stronger and her naughty-esque fic is so funny!

TheQueenOfMediocrity has a few pretty funny naughty-esque fics, too( Fruit Cocktail, Roomraiders FMA), if you happen to like Fullmetal Alchemist and want to check out her work. :D


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